These are rules to live a full and savored old age.  The last is the most important.  But you won’t fully appreciate it until you’ve read all the others first.

1. It's time to use the money you saved up.  Use it and enjoy it.  Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it.  Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital.  Enjoy the present moment. The sand in the clock may run out at any moment.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could.  You gave them an education, food, shelter and support.  The responsibility is theirs to earn their way.
3. Keep a healthy life with moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep.  It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy.  Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well.   Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other.  The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner.  One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then.  Enjoy it together.

Fast Food Delivered by the Secretary of Corruption

Determined not to be outdone by her opponent after Donald Trump announced that he had been given a Purple Heart, Hillary Clinton appeared at campaign rally wearing all of the medals she has been given by her supporters. Thanks to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals declaring that the Stolen Valor Act was unconstitutional, Hillary supporters have been able to lavish all types of military decorations on the presidential candidate, including several Purple Hearts, the Congressional Medal of Honor, Victoria Cross, Order of Lenin, and the Knights Cross with Diamonds, Swords and Oak Leaves. The news media briefly paused from their negative coverage of Donald Trump to state how presidential Hillary Clinton looks with her justly deserved medals.

News Alert:

An Islamophobic study finds that howler monkeys scream louder when they have smaller testicles

A group of bigoted "biological anthropologists" from England’s Cambridge University have recently come up with a study comparing the size of a howler monkey's vocal tract and the size of his testicles.

To wit, pictures of howler monkeys must have been specifically selected to remind viewers of news footage taken at Moslem Brotherhood rallies and protests. Additionally, the researchers' snide comments further reveal their Islamophobic bias:

Looks like the FBI’s intent was to ignore the rule of law

See how easy that is?

It sounds like a spoof or a fraud exposé from the National Enquirer, but it’s an actual news story with photos and documentation from a legit news source.

The Headline:

Revealed: Barack Obama's gay transgender prostitute nanny who made him laugh by trying on his mother's lipstick.

 The story begins:

This test is to ascertain the level of your mental fitness. Not how smart you are, but how clearly you think. 

There are 4 test questions.  Getting them all correct means you have superb mental clarity – as superb as Donald Trump pretends he has.

If you get none of them correct, you have no mental clarity at all, which is what Donald Trump actually has.  You should consider an MRI scan of your brain to see what’s not functioning.

So here we go.  Give each question effortful thought before answering.  Try to get at least one of them right.

1. Giraffe  Test

How  do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Who needs a wall? Hungary has come up with a brilliant, incredibly cheap, and amazingly simple way to stop the invasion of Moslem welfare migrants into Europe.

Whoever thought of this is a Hungarian patriot genius.

Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all and he got carried away.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, was a single red rose!!

Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. 

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. 

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

The Cologne Mayor's recent advice on how women should handle themselves with immigrants/refugees did more harm than good, in terms of our progressive dreams and hopes. In hopes of perfecting our Progressive world, women must learn their proper progressive place when it comes to state decisions on immigrants and refugees. One must make themselves subservient to the state. As such, we have put together a helpful guide for progressive women. Copies are free and can be found at any local DNC chapter or local Planned Parenthood. Mothers - get one for your daughters. Daughters - get one for your mothers. Fathers - get one for yourself - just in case. From the guide:

Especially in Washington DC

After the terrifying Dark Helmet in Spaceballs…

comes his equal…. Darth Trump!