…AS EXPLAINED TO 96 MILLION PEOPLE

U.S. — A singer who has made her entire career out of writing songs detailing her horrifically bad choices has announced her choice for President: Kamala Harris.

Pop icon Taylor Swift, who has written a veritable library of songs about her being a poor judge of character, made the announcement last night. "I know I'm internationally renowned for regretting every major decision in my life, but this choice will turn out different, I just know it," said Swift. "She's the one!"

A longtime Democrat, Swift's songwriting is known for chronicling how each man she thought would be the one turned out to be a total scumbag, but she was too blind to see it. More recently, her writing has evolved to explaining how she's mentally unstable and makes terrible, destructive decisions about other things in her life outside of romantic relationships.

"Who better than Taylor Swift to decide if a person will work out or not?" said Swift fanatic David Muir. "If you stacked all of her ex-boyfriends on top of each other, you could reach Neptune, okay? That's what we call 'experience'. She's got so much experience making wrong decisions, who better to decide what's right?"

At publishing time, Swift had reportedly begun penning a breakup song after learning that Kamala is really more of a Britney fan.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

Future history books will use this image for the "Woke Era" chapter. It has it all. - Babylon Bee reporting

CHICAGO, IL — Following her inspiring speech last night about the evils perpetrated by wealthy people, Michelle Obama exited the Democratic National Convention stage on a palanquin with "Eat the Rich" emblazoned on it.

The beloved former first lady had just finished raking the wealthy over the coals to the delight of the crowd of supporters and delegates before climbing into the custom-made litter to be carried out on the shoulders of peasants.

"Come, slaves! Carry me out and do not make eye contact!" Michelle shouted as a group of servants scrambled onto the stage with the palanquin. "A feast of Wagyu beef and caviar awaits Barack and I, and we will not be one moment late. Chop chop!"

The Obamas drew rave reviews for their convention speeches, recounting the plight they have suffered at the hands of the rich elites of the world. "They were mesmerizing," said one DNC attendee. "Dressed in their designer clothing, fresh off their private jet flight from their expansive Martha's Vineyard estate, you could really hear the passion in their voices as they talked about the hardships endured by normal, poorer people. It was magic. Then, she floated away in her ‘Eat the Rich' palanquin borne on the backs of their indentured servants."

Michelle was later seen scolding the catering staff at the DNC for not having any bottles of Duckhorn 2018 Vintage Cabernet Sauvignon before ordering her hair stylist and personal assistant to duel with knives for her amusement.

At publishing time, the Obamas were in talks to extend their $100 million Netflix production deal to include the release of a documentary on the evils of being wealthy.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As rumors about President Biden withdrawing from the presidential race continue to swirl around the nation, desperate Democrat leaders have recently resorted to listing a job opening for a new presidential candidate on LinkedIn.

According to the posting, the Democrats are looking for four things in a new candidate: ability to breathe, ability to form coherent sentences, a strong commitment to DEI and abortion, and a lack of being named "Kamala Harris."

"Yeah, things are getting a little tight around here, so we felt like we might as well go for the full-court press and use LinkedIn," said one Democrat staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I mean, it's not like we really have any other options, right? We're just hoping that this last resort works. Otherwise, we've just got nothing left."

Several Democrats have confirmed that the listing was inundated by applications, including several decent options like Jarack Bobama, Ramala Charis, Frammela Ferris, Garack Stomama, Handela Schmeris, and Camella Paris.

"We had to add a new requirement that all applicants would be completely prohibited from laughing, no exceptions," said the Democrat staffer. "Several of our interviewers passed away from the cackling."

At publishing time, Gavin Newsom and Gretchen Whitmer had been seen making LinkedIn accounts, though both still claimed to completely support Biden as candidate. Nancy Pelosi reportedly attempted to make an account but was unable to pass the reCaptcha.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Biden's poll numbers continuing to fall and projections for November's elections looking grim, desperate Democrats called the January 6 buffalo guy on the phone to see if he'd be willing to stage another insurrection.

"Yes, is this Jacob Chansley? Yes, I'd like to order an insurrection," Nancy Pelosi said to the infamous QAnon Shaman. "I know we've been saying insurrections are bad and stuff, but things are looking ugly for us and we've tried just about everything we can do to turn it around, but it's not good. If you could maybe overthrow the government and force Biden to step down or at least raise a ruckus at the Capitol to help get our poll numbers up, that would be so great."

Latest polling numbers indicated Biden would face an uphill battle across key battleground states, leaving Democrats at a crossroads as to what to do if Biden continued to refuse to step down. Closed-door meetings with party leadership led to the conclusion that inciting an insurrection was the only option left. "It's exactly what we need," Pelosi said. "It's pretty simple. We put one together once before, so I'm sure we could do the same thing again. Some crafty planning, a few undercover FBI agents to stir the pot. We just have to get those MAGA people on board."

At publishing time, Democrats refused to comment on rumors they had also called Ray Epps to help out.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

ATLANTA — Last night's presidential debate ended abruptly when Donald Trump was served with papers notifying him that he had been indicted for the murder of an elderly man on CNN.

"Hey, I didn't do anything!" Trump told authorities. "He was like that when I got here!"

Trump, who had planned to debate President Joe Biden, argued that the strange old man keeled over all on his own.

"The very idea..." the old man said before slumping over onto a nearby podium. It was also at this point that Trump discovered the man had been propped up by an apparatus and could not stand on his own.

"You know, I got here and everything was fine. CNN is fake news, but I'm here and they've been nice tonight," Trump said. "But then there was this dead old man in the corner. And I thought, wow, the game must be afoot, you know? And believe me, I was about to solve this murder before you got here."

"Yeah, yeah," said Officer Nolan of the APD. "Why don't we talk about this downtown."

At publishing time, Trump had also been indicted for the murder of the Democrat Party.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

U.S. — Though some recent data has indicated large percentages of voters are breaking toward former President Donald Trump, new polls show President Joe Biden still has a sizeable lead among people who will be counting the ballots.

Despite continuing to build what at times has appeared to be a massive lead, Trump reportedly still struggles to make gains among the small number of people who are in charge of counting votes in November.

"For whatever reason, he just can't seem to gain traction with people counting the ballots," said political analyst Blake Rumsey of the Institute of Collecting Information. "Even though he has made significant gains among multiple demographics and voting blocks, our polling of people who count the votes shows Biden still holding an obvious lead. Honestly, I don't even know if it's possible for Trump to win that group. They seem pretty devout."

When reached for comment regarding the new poll results, one ballot counter confirmed the data's accuracy. "Yeah, we're all pretty much in the tank for Biden," said the vote counter who requested to have his identity kept anonymous. "I would think that would have been pretty obvious with the way things went in 2020, but yeah. As one of the many hardcore leftists placed specifically in this position to influence the outcomes of elections, I can say confidently that I am voting for Joe Biden. And my vote means a lot, if you get what I mean. We make up the winner. That's what I mean."

At publishing time, the Biden campaign had put in a request to have the Federal Election Commission hire several million undocumented migrants to serve as extra ballot counters in November.

Democrats always accuse their enemies of what they themselves are guilty of, right out of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules For Radicals.” Democrats have been beating the “Trump is a danger to Democracy” drum because it is all they have in their war chest with Biden as their candidate. It is actually the Democrats that are the real threat to freedom of speech, the 2nd Amendment, and our constitutional republic as a whole.

DAVOS — Members and invited attendees of this week's World Economic Forum's annual summit in Davos, Switzerland capped off yet another monumental event with the traditional virgin sacrifice to weather gods to prevent climate change.

The closing ceremony, complete with dancing natives and the chanting of ancient incantations, was met with a combination of reverence and celebration as the WEF's gathering of global powerbrokers offered up yet another young virgin to appease the climate gods.

"May the blood of this young woman grant us favor in your eyes!" shouted WEF Founder and Executive Chairman Klaus Schwab as the young woman ritualistically met her end. "Accept her soul as payment for our great sins against our planet and bless us with a year full of bountiful crickets and abundant mealworms. May the fate of a large percentage of humanity be the same as this virgin."

"It wouldn't be a WEF event without someone being sacrificed to the gods," said one proud attendee. "Praise be to Klaus Schwab and the deities who thirst for peasant blood."

At publishing time, following the conclusion of the sacrifice, attendees departed with their WEF gift bags full of fudge, body lotion, and detailed instructions on the roles they would each play in the further degradation of Western Civilization. Babylon Bee reporting.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard President Claudine Gay is facing new plagiarism allegations, following accusations earlier this week that she had plagiarized portions of her 1997 Ph.D. dissertation and three other published works. Investigators now suspect Gay's novel Larry Potter and the Sorcerer's Rock may have also been plagiarized.

"To the layperson's eye, Larry Potter may just seem like an original book about a boy with a scar on his cheek who is whisked away to Dogwarts School for Warlocks," said lead investigator Pam Smithers, "But subtle clues suggest she may have taken some ideas from another, yet-to-be-disclosed author."

In response to allegations of plagiarism, President Gay issued the following statement, "The beloved characters Larry Potter, Donald Measley, and Hermanette Goonger came from my own, brilliant, black, and gay mind. Additionally, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

At publishing time, investigators had stumbled upon a new discovery during a routine search of Gay's home: a copy of the Bible having the cover inscribed with "by Claudine Gay."

U.S. — Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.

"The President's son made millions on foreign bribes and used the money for illegal drugs and underage sex trafficking. That's all well and good, but then he failed to pay his taxes," said a spokesperson for the DOJ. "Keeping money that is due to the government is the most heinous of all crimes and should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Official sources confirmed that Hunter became wealthy by exchanging national secrets and special favors to America's enemies in exchange for crack and underage sex-slave money, in addition to wiring money to President Joe Biden. Unfortunately, he did this without keeping perfect tax records, making him the lowest of criminals.

"Rest assured, this horrific act will not go without a slight fine and scolding from the judge," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This man must be brought to justice."

At publishing time, President Biden had claimed to have no knowledge of the case or of this man named "Hunter."

ALPHARETTA, GA — Americans are still reeling this morning after the shocking murder of California Governor Gavin Newsom was captured live on air and broadcast to millions of viewers.

"I'm still shaking," said one local observer. "He was just there one moment... and in the next moment, he was brutally eviscerated. Torn to pieces. Murdered. I'll never be able to shake those horrific images from my memory."

Fox News was roundly criticized for airing the disturbing footage completely uncensored to shocked viewers.

"Kids shouldn't be allowed to see such things," said one concerned mother whose child walked into the living room while the incident was playing on live television. "My 5-year-old will be scarred for life. He may need counseling. How could Fox News do this?"

Authorities are still searching for three accomplices they say are persons of interest in the cold-blooded slaughter of California's Governor. Alpharetta's police chief named the three at-large suspects as Sean Hannity, Ron DeSantis, and a paper map of all the human poop covering San Francisco's sidewalks.

At publishing time, authorities confirmed the suspects are still on the loose and should be considered extremely dangerous. Babylon Bee reporting, December 1, 2023