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ToThePoint

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DEMOCRATS WARN PARENTS TO QUICKLY TRANSITION THEIR KIDS BEFORE THEY GROW OUT OF IT

transition-your-kidsWASHINGTON, D.C. — On the heels of a new study regarding young people with gender dysphoria, Democrats issued a warning to parents to transition their kids quickly before they grow out of it.

The new study, which revealed a large percentage of young people with gender dysphoria eventually come to accept their actual gender, has created a new sense of urgency within the Biden administration to make sure parents take action now so that as many children can be transitioned as possible before it's too late.

"Chop ‘em up now, folks," Biden said in a statement to American parents. "Let me be clear. There is no time to waste. If you don't transition your kids now, you run the risk of having them grow out of their gender dysphoria and maturing into healthy, mentally stable adults who aren't confused about their gender. Don't wait. Get them to one of those weird doctors. Swap out their privates. Get it done. End of speech. Walk away."

"It's important to keep hitting our numbers," Senator Chuck Schumer said. "If we want to stay on track to wipe out an entire generation of Americans, we need parents to stay on top of having their kids irreversibly butchered."

At publishing time, the Biden administration was preparing to launch a special Trans Child Task Force that would go door-to-door across the country transitioning kids at their homes.

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GET THE FLOCK OUT

outnumbered Democrats always accuse their enemies of what they themselves are guilty of, right out of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules For Radicals.” Democrats have been beating the “Trump is a danger to Democracy” drum because it is all they have in their war chest with Biden as their candidate. It is actually the Democrats that are the real threat to freedom of speech, the 2nd Amendment, and our constitutional republic as a whole.

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DAVOS ENDS WITH VIRGIN SACRIFICE TO WEATHER GODS TO PREVENT CLIMATE CHANGE

virgsacrifice4climatechange DAVOS — Members and invited attendees of this week's World Economic Forum's annual summit in Davos, Switzerland capped off yet another monumental event with the traditional virgin sacrifice to weather gods to prevent climate change.

The closing ceremony, complete with dancing natives and the chanting of ancient incantations, was met with a combination of reverence and celebration as the WEF's gathering of global powerbrokers offered up yet another young virgin to appease the climate gods.

"May the blood of this young woman grant us favor in your eyes!" shouted WEF Founder and Executive Chairman Klaus Schwab as the young woman ritualistically met her end. "Accept her soul as payment for our great sins against our planet and bless us with a year full of bountiful crickets and abundant mealworms. May the fate of a large percentage of humanity be the same as this virgin."

"It wouldn't be a WEF event without someone being sacrificed to the gods," said one proud attendee. "Praise be to Klaus Schwab and the deities who thirst for peasant blood."

At publishing time, following the conclusion of the sacrifice, attendees departed with their WEF gift bags full of fudge, body lotion, and detailed instructions on the roles they would each play in the further degradation of Western Civilization. Babylon Bee reporting.

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INVESTIGATORS BEGINNING TO SUSPECT CLAUDINE GAY’S NOVEL ‘LARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S ROCK’ MAY HAVE BEEN PLAGIARIZED

larry-potterCAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard President Claudine Gay is facing new plagiarism allegations, following accusations earlier this week that she had plagiarized portions of her 1997 Ph.D. dissertation and three other published works. Investigators now suspect Gay's novel Larry Potter and the Sorcerer's Rock may have also been plagiarized.

"To the layperson's eye, Larry Potter may just seem like an original book about a boy with a scar on his cheek who is whisked away to Dogwarts School for Warlocks," said lead investigator Pam Smithers, "But subtle clues suggest she may have taken some ideas from another, yet-to-be-disclosed author."

In response to allegations of plagiarism, President Gay issued the following statement, "The beloved characters Larry Potter, Donald Measley, and Hermanette Goonger came from my own, brilliant, black, and gay mind. Additionally, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

At publishing time, investigators had stumbled upon a new discovery during a routine search of Gay's home: a copy of the Bible having the cover inscribed with "by Claudine Gay."

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HUNTER BIDEN INDICTED FOR NOT PAYING TAXES ON HIS BRIBES

hunter-briber-waivesU.S. — Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.

"The President's son made millions on foreign bribes and used the money for illegal drugs and underage sex trafficking. That's all well and good, but then he failed to pay his taxes," said a spokesperson for the DOJ. "Keeping money that is due to the government is the most heinous of all crimes and should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Official sources confirmed that Hunter became wealthy by exchanging national secrets and special favors to America's enemies in exchange for crack and underage sex-slave money, in addition to wiring money to President Joe Biden. Unfortunately, he did this without keeping perfect tax records, making him the lowest of criminals.

"Rest assured, this horrific act will not go without a slight fine and scolding from the judge," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This man must be brought to justice."

At publishing time, President Biden had claimed to have no knowledge of the case or of this man named "Hunter."

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NATION IN SHOCK AFTER GAVIN NEWSOM MURDERED ON LIVE TV

newsom_ripALPHARETTA, GA — Americans are still reeling this morning after the shocking murder of California Governor Gavin Newsom was captured live on air and broadcast to millions of viewers.

"I'm still shaking," said one local observer. "He was just there one moment... and in the next moment, he was brutally eviscerated. Torn to pieces. Murdered. I'll never be able to shake those horrific images from my memory."

Fox News was roundly criticized for airing the disturbing footage completely uncensored to shocked viewers.

"Kids shouldn't be allowed to see such things," said one concerned mother whose child walked into the living room while the incident was playing on live television. "My 5-year-old will be scarred for life. He may need counseling. How could Fox News do this?"

Authorities are still searching for three accomplices they say are persons of interest in the cold-blooded slaughter of California's Governor. Alpharetta's police chief named the three at-large suspects as Sean Hannity, Ron DeSantis, and a paper map of all the human poop covering San Francisco's sidewalks.

At publishing time, authorities confirmed the suspects are still on the loose and should be considered extremely dangerous. Babylon Bee reporting, December 1, 2023

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