Happy Valentine's Day ♥️ pic.twitter.com/6d7qmo7gtz

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 14, 2025

[Note: this is real, here’s the link]

U.S. — After the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a ban on the Chinese social media platform TikTok, Gen Z managed to stay upset about the ban for a full 4.3 seconds, which is the maximum amount of time they can focus on anything thanks to TikTok. The nation braced for a groundswell of outrage from millions of TikTok users, but the outrage died out almost as soon as it began.

"I'm furious. I'm outraged about this. I'm — hey look! Nintendo Switch 2 is coming out!" said Mavryyck Dixon, a former Gen Z TikTok user. "I can't believe they would — yoooooooooo look at this Instagram baddie! This violates my freedom of — BRO these cargo jeans are bussin, no cap. What were we talking about again? Oh well."

Dixon then released some nervous energy by making weird noises and doing a dance he made up for the hot new Chinese app Red Book."Yeah, it seems like Gen Z has already moved on to the next thing," said millennial social media expert Ryan Tharknerb. "I asked 10 kids about it this morning, and they couldn't even remember what TikTok was. Frankly, I'm starting to forget myself. Ohhhh CRAP! Elon just caught another rocket booster out of the air! Sweeeet!"

At publishing time, Gen Z had found themselves outraged by something else, but no one can remember what it was.

LONDON — Public outrage over the scandal related to allegations of ongoing abuse of children intensified in the United Kingdom this week as a nationwide grooming gang voted not to investigate itself.

Despite widespread concern over the situation and nearly unanimous calls for a national inquiry into the accusations from a growing number of whistleblowers, the grooming gang held an official meeting and voted against doing so.

"We will not be looking into the allegations against us at this time," said one member of the grooming gang. "We have heard the disturbing reports from many people who claim to have been affected by our actions over the years, but we have decided it's just not worth investigating ourselves regarding any wrongdoing. Cheers."

Though the gang has come under increasing fire with more victims coming forward, its members remained firmly against investigating their criminal conduct. "I'm afraid we're still not convinced," said another grooming gang member. "If we were to look into these things we're accused of perpetrating, we may be forced to hold ourselves accountable, and that's not something we wish to do. While we do acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, we are not willing to subject ourselves to further scrutiny."

Victims and their advocates were reportedly preparing to take the scandal to the courts before learning that members of the same gang also occupied powerful positions on all levels of the justice system.

At publishing time, the grooming gang announced that it would be launching a full investigation into anyone who questioned their decision not to launch an investigation into themselves. Elon Musk is their #1 Suspect.

U.S. — Following its poor performance in the attack outside the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas this week, the Tesla Cybertruck was unanimously voted Worst Vehicle by members of the National Association of Terrorist Car Bombers.

The group took an official survey of its membership after the Trump Hotel bombing, with a startling 100% of responders giving the Cybertruck the lowest possible score for its suitability for the association's work.

"Terrible job. Hard pass," said Abu bin Habibooboo, Vice President of the NATCB. "While other manufacturers do a great job of designing vehicles that perform well during terrorist bombing attacks, Tesla has really dropped the ball with the Cybertruck. It has shown itself to be completely inadequate for our needs. Not sure what Elon Musk and his team were thinking when they were making this one."

Other members of the organization were equally disappointed. "It's almost as if Tesla gave no consideration to how the Cybertruck would do when fashioned into a weapon of mass destruction," said Anwar Al Shabab. "How are we supposed to use this vehicle to kill innocent, unsuspecting people when the bomb blast barely makes it out of the cab? Ridiculous. Give me an old windowless Dodge van, thank you."

While members did compliment the Cybertruck for its innovative look, surprising towing strength, and energy efficiency, they all said its dreadful rating as a car bombing vehicle was a deal-breaker.

At publishing time, in yet another poor review, the Cybertruck had also been named Worst in Class by Car Bomber magazine.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though Americans were up in arms when news broke that lawmakers were pushing to give themselves an increase in salary, members of Congress insisted that they needed the pay increase to keep up with the inflation they caused.

Representatives were quick to defend the proposed pay increase in the face of heavy criticism, citing the need to keep up with the rising cost of living due to the economic difficulties caused by Congress' failure to address rampant inflation.

"The last pay increase we voted to give ourselves just isn't cutting it," explained House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We need more money to make ends meet after we've spent the last several years making sure everything is more expensive and making sure nobody's money goes as far as it used to. Not only do we deserve this raise, but quite frankly, we need it to pay our bills. And that's what taxpayer dollars are for — paying for someone else's expenses."

Sources from within closed-door congressional meetings warned that legislators may be forced to find ways to solve inflation if they are unable to obtain raises. "How else do taxpayers expect us to keep affording things they can't afford themselves?" one congressman asked under the condition of anonymity. "We've worked hard to make sure living in the United States isn't cheap, and we think we deserve a little reward for that hard work. Is that so wrong?"

At publishing time, members of Congress had grown concerned that failure to secure a pay increase may require them to learn to become fiscally responsible.

…AS EXPLAINED TO 96 MILLION PEOPLE

U.S. — A singer who has made her entire career out of writing songs detailing her horrifically bad choices has announced her choice for President: Kamala Harris.

Pop icon Taylor Swift, who has written a veritable library of songs about her being a poor judge of character, made the announcement last night. "I know I'm internationally renowned for regretting every major decision in my life, but this choice will turn out different, I just know it," said Swift. "She's the one!"

A longtime Democrat, Swift's songwriting is known for chronicling how each man she thought would be the one turned out to be a total scumbag, but she was too blind to see it. More recently, her writing has evolved to explaining how she's mentally unstable and makes terrible, destructive decisions about other things in her life outside of romantic relationships.

"Who better than Taylor Swift to decide if a person will work out or not?" said Swift fanatic David Muir. "If you stacked all of her ex-boyfriends on top of each other, you could reach Neptune, okay? That's what we call 'experience'. She's got so much experience making wrong decisions, who better to decide what's right?"

At publishing time, Swift had reportedly begun penning a breakup song after learning that Kamala is really more of a Britney fan.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

Future history books will use this image for the "Woke Era" chapter. It has it all. - Babylon Bee reporting

CHICAGO, IL — Following her inspiring speech last night about the evils perpetrated by wealthy people, Michelle Obama exited the Democratic National Convention stage on a palanquin with "Eat the Rich" emblazoned on it.

The beloved former first lady had just finished raking the wealthy over the coals to the delight of the crowd of supporters and delegates before climbing into the custom-made litter to be carried out on the shoulders of peasants.

"Come, slaves! Carry me out and do not make eye contact!" Michelle shouted as a group of servants scrambled onto the stage with the palanquin. "A feast of Wagyu beef and caviar awaits Barack and I, and we will not be one moment late. Chop chop!"

The Obamas drew rave reviews for their convention speeches, recounting the plight they have suffered at the hands of the rich elites of the world. "They were mesmerizing," said one DNC attendee. "Dressed in their designer clothing, fresh off their private jet flight from their expansive Martha's Vineyard estate, you could really hear the passion in their voices as they talked about the hardships endured by normal, poorer people. It was magic. Then, she floated away in her ‘Eat the Rich' palanquin borne on the backs of their indentured servants."

Michelle was later seen scolding the catering staff at the DNC for not having any bottles of Duckhorn 2018 Vintage Cabernet Sauvignon before ordering her hair stylist and personal assistant to duel with knives for her amusement.

At publishing time, the Obamas were in talks to extend their $100 million Netflix production deal to include the release of a documentary on the evils of being wealthy.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As rumors about President Biden withdrawing from the presidential race continue to swirl around the nation, desperate Democrat leaders have recently resorted to listing a job opening for a new presidential candidate on LinkedIn.

According to the posting, the Democrats are looking for four things in a new candidate: ability to breathe, ability to form coherent sentences, a strong commitment to DEI and abortion, and a lack of being named "Kamala Harris."

"Yeah, things are getting a little tight around here, so we felt like we might as well go for the full-court press and use LinkedIn," said one Democrat staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I mean, it's not like we really have any other options, right? We're just hoping that this last resort works. Otherwise, we've just got nothing left."

Several Democrats have confirmed that the listing was inundated by applications, including several decent options like Jarack Bobama, Ramala Charis, Frammela Ferris, Garack Stomama, Handela Schmeris, and Camella Paris.

"We had to add a new requirement that all applicants would be completely prohibited from laughing, no exceptions," said the Democrat staffer. "Several of our interviewers passed away from the cackling."

At publishing time, Gavin Newsom and Gretchen Whitmer had been seen making LinkedIn accounts, though both still claimed to completely support Biden as candidate. Nancy Pelosi reportedly attempted to make an account but was unable to pass the reCaptcha.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Biden's poll numbers continuing to fall and projections for November's elections looking grim, desperate Democrats called the January 6 buffalo guy on the phone to see if he'd be willing to stage another insurrection.

"Yes, is this Jacob Chansley? Yes, I'd like to order an insurrection," Nancy Pelosi said to the infamous QAnon Shaman. "I know we've been saying insurrections are bad and stuff, but things are looking ugly for us and we've tried just about everything we can do to turn it around, but it's not good. If you could maybe overthrow the government and force Biden to step down or at least raise a ruckus at the Capitol to help get our poll numbers up, that would be so great."

Latest polling numbers indicated Biden would face an uphill battle across key battleground states, leaving Democrats at a crossroads as to what to do if Biden continued to refuse to step down. Closed-door meetings with party leadership led to the conclusion that inciting an insurrection was the only option left. "It's exactly what we need," Pelosi said. "It's pretty simple. We put one together once before, so I'm sure we could do the same thing again. Some crafty planning, a few undercover FBI agents to stir the pot. We just have to get those MAGA people on board."

At publishing time, Democrats refused to comment on rumors they had also called Ray Epps to help out.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

ATLANTA — Last night's presidential debate ended abruptly when Donald Trump was served with papers notifying him that he had been indicted for the murder of an elderly man on CNN.

"Hey, I didn't do anything!" Trump told authorities. "He was like that when I got here!"

Trump, who had planned to debate President Joe Biden, argued that the strange old man keeled over all on his own.

"The very idea..." the old man said before slumping over onto a nearby podium. It was also at this point that Trump discovered the man had been propped up by an apparatus and could not stand on his own.

"You know, I got here and everything was fine. CNN is fake news, but I'm here and they've been nice tonight," Trump said. "But then there was this dead old man in the corner. And I thought, wow, the game must be afoot, you know? And believe me, I was about to solve this murder before you got here."

"Yeah, yeah," said Officer Nolan of the APD. "Why don't we talk about this downtown."

At publishing time, Trump had also been indicted for the murder of the Democrat Party.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

U.S. — Though some recent data has indicated large percentages of voters are breaking toward former President Donald Trump, new polls show President Joe Biden still has a sizeable lead among people who will be counting the ballots.

Despite continuing to build what at times has appeared to be a massive lead, Trump reportedly still struggles to make gains among the small number of people who are in charge of counting votes in November.

"For whatever reason, he just can't seem to gain traction with people counting the ballots," said political analyst Blake Rumsey of the Institute of Collecting Information. "Even though he has made significant gains among multiple demographics and voting blocks, our polling of people who count the votes shows Biden still holding an obvious lead. Honestly, I don't even know if it's possible for Trump to win that group. They seem pretty devout."

When reached for comment regarding the new poll results, one ballot counter confirmed the data's accuracy. "Yeah, we're all pretty much in the tank for Biden," said the vote counter who requested to have his identity kept anonymous. "I would think that would have been pretty obvious with the way things went in 2020, but yeah. As one of the many hardcore leftists placed specifically in this position to influence the outcomes of elections, I can say confidently that I am voting for Joe Biden. And my vote means a lot, if you get what I mean. We make up the winner. That's what I mean."

At publishing time, the Biden campaign had put in a request to have the Federal Election Commission hire several million undocumented migrants to serve as extra ballot counters in November.