LET’S MAKE A DEAL
BIDEN FINALLY DRAWS LARGER CROWD THAN TRUMP
EL PASO, TX — The mainstream media has been heaping praise on President Biden for finally drawing a larger crowd than former President Trump. According to reports, hundreds of thousands are gathering in El Paso and it's all because of President Biden.
"These are truly historic numbers we are seeing! Trump could never get this many people even at his biggest rallies," gushed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "This is an incredible moment for President Biden. He's clearly resonating with the American people -- well, people, anyway -- and it's clear that his policies are making a real difference."
Upon seeing the massive crowds, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow added, "This just goes to show that people are hungry for real leadership and real strength. President Biden is clearly delivering on that front."
Many news sites praised the crowd for its youthfulness and diversity. "Just look at how young of a crowd Biden pulls!" exclaimed Anderson Cooper. "All those unaccompanied minors — I mean democrat voters and it's all thanks to Biden."
BIDEN DEPLOYS 1,500 TROOPS AT BORDER TO HELP REGISTER NEW VOTERS
EL PASO, TX — Amid a mounting surge of illegal immigration, the Biden Administration is sending 1,500 National Guard troops to the border to help them register to vote.
"Yes, the people who tell me what to do all the time told me this is needed," said Biden to an ice cream cone. "And If I don't do what they tell me I don't get any snacks! No, that's no joke! Seriously, someone help me! Where am I?"
Election experts say the military operation will be instrumental in facilitating the continued invasion of the U.S. by Biden voters ahead of the 2024 election. "Biden really could use this boost from the millions and millions of people just wandering into the country," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "These immigrant lives are totally wasted if we can't leverage their extreme numbers into a Democrat win."
Sources say troops are receiving cutting-edge training on detaining migrants, leading them to a voter registration table, and saying: "Firma este documento, por favor." Military sources say they hope to have 750,000 new Democrat voters by the end of the month.
At publishing time, the ones who refused to register had been placed in cages. Babylon Bee reporting.
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TRUTH IN SIGNS
BEVERAGE PRETENDING TO BE BEER FEATURES MAN PRETENDING TO BE WOMAN
U.S. — In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.
"For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?"
Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women.
"As a man acting out the most horrendously offensive stereotypes of women, Mulvaney taps into the soul of people who despise real women," said Mr. Whitworth. "As a company dedicated to serving those who detest real beer, the partnership made perfect sense. The new beer can just shouts, 'Come, enjoy this atrocious substitute for the real thing'."
IT’S MARCH 17TH!
ON INTERNATIONAL WOMENS DAY WHAT REAL WOMEN KNOW ABOUT REAL MEN
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COVERED IN SIX FEET OF GLOBAL WARMING
ANAHEIM, CA, Babylon Bee reporting — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call "massive amounts of Global Warming." Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.
"Our world has officially ended," said California resident Luis Garcia. "We've been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it." Fluffy, white hell soon began to descend onto areas of Southern California, covering pockets of the region with a dense blanket of even more Global Warming.
"The temperature of the earth has clearly risen far too high," said Professor Richard Davenport of the Save California Climate Institute. At publishing time, the entertainment industry was reportedly planning a star-studded telethon to raise awareness and money to save Californians from the horror of having to wear jackets during the day.
ELON’S FINANCIAL ADVICE
DEMOCRATIC WOMEN’S CAUCUS WEARS MATCHING WHITE BUTCHER COATS IN SUPPORT OF ABORTION
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of solidarity with abortionists and other eugenicists, the Democratic Women's Caucus showed up to the Capitol this week wearing stylish butcher coats.
"We will never tire of standing up courageously for the merciless slaughter of human babies so they can be dissected and sold to university researchers for revolting experimentation, er... we mean, 'reproductive healthcare,'" said Pelosi to reporters. "We're courageously standing up for reproductive healthcare and bodily autonomy and euphemisms. Yeah. No further questions, please."
Washington insiders say onlookers were dazzled by the waddling gaggle of women dressed in glittering white slaughterhouse frocks, which as of yet had no spatters of blood on them. "Wow!" said one Capitol intern. "Look at all the feminists! I feel empowered!"
The herd of hunched-over, white-clad crones then danced and shimmied around a large boiling cauldron, waved sharp metal cleavers in the air, and screeched a sacred feminine moon chant to appease Molech before shuffling awkwardly into the Capitol like a flock of broken ducks.
At publishing time, Pelosi had confirmed to reporters that the red stain on her frock was just red wine.
WHO WOULD SLAUGHTER INNOCENT CIVILIANS ON CHRISTMAS DAY?
Ukrainians call Putin a huilo. In England, the term is bellend. The townspeople of Rowley Regis in the West Midlands went one step further. Every year they give The Bellend of the Year Award to the biggest jerk, schmuck, putz, or d-head they can think of.
This year they made a Putin effigy as a bellend, and nearby, free eggs to throw at it. You can read about it here. One resident said, “There was one person who has universally been a bellend this year – and that’s Vladimir Putin," adding "You could just throw eggs at the statue, which people did so willingly and quite happily."
WHITE HOUSE LIT UP WITH SYMBOL OF RELIGIOUS CULT
WASHINGTON, DC — The White House was lit up with the colors of a fanatical cult this week, officially signaling the Biden Administration's establishment of a new state-sponsored religion: Same-Sex and Tranny Worship. The move has received both widespread applause and serious concerns about the First Amendment implications.
Mainstream media sources hailed the move as a significant victory in the crusade for inclusivity and acceptance of all people, except for anyone who disagrees, in which case dissidents should be removed from society. Critics, however, questioned whether the adoption of an official national religion violates the First Amendment.
"Establishing a religion in no way violates the Constitution's mandate that the government not establish a religion," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Any questions regarding this issue will be considered bigoted, racist, and other horrible things I can't think of right now."
At publishing time, the Biden administration was believed to be in discussions to require all churches in the country to follow suit and be lit up with the same colors in a show of solidarity with the new State Religion. Babylon Bee reporting.
A Czech activist group is auctioning a sculpture of Russian President Vladimir Putin sitting naked on a golden toilet — with proceeds from the sale set to go toward buying a combat drone for Ukraine.
Although the effigy is named “Naked Killer,” everyone in Prague has nicknamed it – given President George Bush calling Putin “Pooty-Poot” – Potty-Poot. It’s the brainchild of Otakar van Gemund, founder of the Kaputin! movement in Prague, and is designed by Czech artist Barbora Zichová. Bids start at €10,000 with the auction closing on December 20. The winner will be the proud owner of the effigy, and have a combat drone named in his honor used to eliminate a group of Potty-Poot’s cannon fodder.
THE OVAL OFFICE VAMPIRE
AT LEAST THERE’S THE REDSHINE STATE
DEMS’ CLOSING ARGUMENT TO THE MIDTERMS
THE NIGHTMARE IS ALMOST OVER
THE LONE HORSEMAN
MAKE THIS MAP GREAT AGAIN
THE PAPER BEAR
THE FLAME THROWER
WALLS CLOSING IN
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO ON UNEMPLOYMENT
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 5.6%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%. ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%? ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, Biden said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.
You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point? ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom? ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment? ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work? ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work. ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said! ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Biden.
SYMBOLIC OF THE WOKE’S STRUGGLE AGAINST REALITY
This Monty Python skit is over 40 years old – 40 years ahead of its time and funnier than ever today