"I'm still shaking," said one local observer. "He was just there one moment... and in the next moment, he was brutally eviscerated. Torn to pieces. Murdered. I'll never be able to shake those horrific images from my memory."
Fox News was roundly criticized for airing the disturbing footage completely uncensored to shocked viewers.
"Kids shouldn't be allowed to see such things," said one concerned mother whose child walked into the living room while the incident was playing on live television. "My 5-year-old will be scarred for life. He may need counseling. How could Fox News do this?"
Authorities are still searching for three accomplices they say are persons of interest in the cold-blooded slaughter of California's Governor. Alpharetta's police chief named the three at-large suspects as Sean Hannity, Ron DeSantis, and a paper map of all the human poop covering San Francisco's sidewalks.
At publishing time, authorities confirmed the suspects are still on the loose and should be considered extremely dangerous. Babylon Bee reporting, December 1, 2023
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his administration's top priority, President Joe Biden has vowed to eliminate all junk fees, though he clarified that his customary "10% for the Big Guy" fee will remain in place for all bribes and kickbacks.
"Listen here, folks," Biden slurred as the announcement was made, "We're going to get rid of all these junk fees! The biggest problem facing the American people every day is being gouged by hotel and resort junk fees. I'm telling these places charging junk fees — stop it!"
When asked by a reporter if the reduction of fees includes waiving the "10% for the Big Guy" fee, Biden was quick to clarify. "Absolutely not," he said. "My fee will stay in effect for all illegal transactions. Weakening national security and doing favors for foreign interests comes at a price, and that includes 10% for the Big Guy. Nargonnindargit!"
Questions have arisen about whether there are more important issues facing the nation than junk fees. "I'm having trouble buying groceries for my family," said frustrated citizen Phil Brooks. "Going on a vacation or staying in a hotel isn't even an option at this point. What do I care about junk fees?"
The administration remains committed to making this the centerpiece of its platform. "The President knows all Americans are focused on junk fees," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is a woman of color who is also a lesbian. "He will not stop until junk fees are a thing of the past, no matter how many other horrible things happen in the country."
EL PASO, TX — The mainstream media has been heaping praise on President Biden for finally drawing a larger crowd than former President Trump. According to reports, hundreds of thousands are gathering in El Paso and it's all because of President Biden.
"These are truly historic numbers we are seeing! Trump could never get this many people even at his biggest rallies," gushed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "This is an incredible moment for President Biden. He's clearly resonating with the American people -- well, people, anyway -- and it's clear that his policies are making a real difference."
Upon seeing the massive crowds, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow added, "This just goes to show that people are hungry for real leadership and real strength. President Biden is clearly delivering on that front."
Many news sites praised the crowd for its youthfulness and diversity. "Just look at how young of a crowd Biden pulls!" exclaimed Anderson Cooper. "All those unaccompanied minors — I mean democrat voters and it's all thanks to Biden."
"Yes, the people who tell me what to do all the time told me this is needed," said Biden to an ice cream cone. "And If I don't do what they tell me I don't get any snacks! No, that's no joke! Seriously, someone help me! Where am I?"
Election experts say the military operation will be instrumental in facilitating the continued invasion of the U.S. by Biden voters ahead of the 2024 election. "Biden really could use this boost from the millions and millions of people just wandering into the country," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "These immigrant lives are totally wasted if we can't leverage their extreme numbers into a Democrat win."
Sources say troops are receiving cutting-edge training on detaining migrants, leading them to a voter registration table, and saying: "Firma este documento, por favor." Military sources say they hope to have 750,000 new Democrat voters by the end of the month.
At publishing time, the ones who refused to register had been placed in cages. Babylon Bee reporting.
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"For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?"
Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women.
"As a man acting out the most horrendously offensive stereotypes of women, Mulvaney taps into the soul of people who despise real women," said Mr. Whitworth. "As a company dedicated to serving those who detest real beer, the partnership made perfect sense. The new beer can just shouts, 'Come, enjoy this atrocious substitute for the real thing'."
ANAHEIM, CA, Babylon Bee reporting — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call "massive amounts of Global Warming." Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.
"Our world has officially ended," said California resident Luis Garcia. "We've been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it." Fluffy, white hell soon began to descend onto areas of Southern California, covering pockets of the region with a dense blanket of even more Global Warming.
"The temperature of the earth has clearly risen far too high," said Professor Richard Davenport of the Save California Climate Institute. At publishing time, the entertainment industry was reportedly planning a star-studded telethon to raise awareness and money to save Californians from the horror of having to wear jackets during the day.