Breaking news!  TRUMP UNVEILS GIANT CANNON FOR FASTER, MORE ENTERTAING DEPORTATIONS

This is the perfect shirt to troll liberals 😅You can buy a bundle for you and your family here: https://t.co/ibwJlYh1OANote: This is the official Trump QR code merch. Not affiliated with the spammed designs in comments pic.twitter.com/eYX8uw9QEL

— Juanita Broaddrick (@atensnut) January 31, 2025

Elon Musk Disguises IRS Building As Tesla Dealership So Democrats Will Burn It Downhttps://t.co/W1QoSXVU3I pic.twitter.com/JEBGBe4aA9

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) March 24, 2025

Happy Valentine's Day ♥️ pic.twitter.com/6d7qmo7gtz

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 14, 2025

[Note: this is real, here’s the link]

U.S. — After the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a ban on the Chinese social media platform TikTok, Gen Z managed to stay upset about the ban for a full 4.3 seconds, which is the maximum amount of time they can focus on anything thanks to TikTok. The nation braced for a groundswell of outrage from millions of TikTok users, but the outrage died out almost as soon as it began.

"I'm furious. I'm outraged about this. I'm — hey look! Nintendo Switch 2 is coming out!" said Mavryyck Dixon, a former Gen Z TikTok user. "I can't believe they would — yoooooooooo look at this Instagram baddie! This violates my freedom of — BRO these cargo jeans are bussin, no cap. What were we talking about again? Oh well."

Dixon then released some nervous energy by making weird noises and doing a dance he made up for the hot new Chinese app Red Book."Yeah, it seems like Gen Z has already moved on to the next thing," said millennial social media expert Ryan Tharknerb. "I asked 10 kids about it this morning, and they couldn't even remember what TikTok was. Frankly, I'm starting to forget myself. Ohhhh CRAP! Elon just caught another rocket booster out of the air! Sweeeet!"

At publishing time, Gen Z had found themselves outraged by something else, but no one can remember what it was.

LONDON — Public outrage over the scandal related to allegations of ongoing abuse of children intensified in the United Kingdom this week as a nationwide grooming gang voted not to investigate itself.

Despite widespread concern over the situation and nearly unanimous calls for a national inquiry into the accusations from a growing number of whistleblowers, the grooming gang held an official meeting and voted against doing so.

"We will not be looking into the allegations against us at this time," said one member of the grooming gang. "We have heard the disturbing reports from many people who claim to have been affected by our actions over the years, but we have decided it's just not worth investigating ourselves regarding any wrongdoing. Cheers."

Though the gang has come under increasing fire with more victims coming forward, its members remained firmly against investigating their criminal conduct. "I'm afraid we're still not convinced," said another grooming gang member. "If we were to look into these things we're accused of perpetrating, we may be forced to hold ourselves accountable, and that's not something we wish to do. While we do acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, we are not willing to subject ourselves to further scrutiny."

Victims and their advocates were reportedly preparing to take the scandal to the courts before learning that members of the same gang also occupied powerful positions on all levels of the justice system.

At publishing time, the grooming gang announced that it would be launching a full investigation into anyone who questioned their decision not to launch an investigation into themselves. Elon Musk is their #1 Suspect.

U.S. — Following its poor performance in the attack outside the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas this week, the Tesla Cybertruck was unanimously voted Worst Vehicle by members of the National Association of Terrorist Car Bombers.

The group took an official survey of its membership after the Trump Hotel bombing, with a startling 100% of responders giving the Cybertruck the lowest possible score for its suitability for the association's work.

"Terrible job. Hard pass," said Abu bin Habibooboo, Vice President of the NATCB. "While other manufacturers do a great job of designing vehicles that perform well during terrorist bombing attacks, Tesla has really dropped the ball with the Cybertruck. It has shown itself to be completely inadequate for our needs. Not sure what Elon Musk and his team were thinking when they were making this one."

Other members of the organization were equally disappointed. "It's almost as if Tesla gave no consideration to how the Cybertruck would do when fashioned into a weapon of mass destruction," said Anwar Al Shabab. "How are we supposed to use this vehicle to kill innocent, unsuspecting people when the bomb blast barely makes it out of the cab? Ridiculous. Give me an old windowless Dodge van, thank you."

While members did compliment the Cybertruck for its innovative look, surprising towing strength, and energy efficiency, they all said its dreadful rating as a car bombing vehicle was a deal-breaker.

At publishing time, in yet another poor review, the Cybertruck had also been named Worst in Class by Car Bomber magazine.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though Americans were up in arms when news broke that lawmakers were pushing to give themselves an increase in salary, members of Congress insisted that they needed the pay increase to keep up with the inflation they caused.

Representatives were quick to defend the proposed pay increase in the face of heavy criticism, citing the need to keep up with the rising cost of living due to the economic difficulties caused by Congress' failure to address rampant inflation.

"The last pay increase we voted to give ourselves just isn't cutting it," explained House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We need more money to make ends meet after we've spent the last several years making sure everything is more expensive and making sure nobody's money goes as far as it used to. Not only do we deserve this raise, but quite frankly, we need it to pay our bills. And that's what taxpayer dollars are for — paying for someone else's expenses."

Sources from within closed-door congressional meetings warned that legislators may be forced to find ways to solve inflation if they are unable to obtain raises. "How else do taxpayers expect us to keep affording things they can't afford themselves?" one congressman asked under the condition of anonymity. "We've worked hard to make sure living in the United States isn't cheap, and we think we deserve a little reward for that hard work. Is that so wrong?"

At publishing time, members of Congress had grown concerned that failure to secure a pay increase may require them to learn to become fiscally responsible.

…AS EXPLAINED TO 96 MILLION PEOPLE

U.S. — A singer who has made her entire career out of writing songs detailing her horrifically bad choices has announced her choice for President: Kamala Harris.

Pop icon Taylor Swift, who has written a veritable library of songs about her being a poor judge of character, made the announcement last night. "I know I'm internationally renowned for regretting every major decision in my life, but this choice will turn out different, I just know it," said Swift. "She's the one!"

A longtime Democrat, Swift's songwriting is known for chronicling how each man she thought would be the one turned out to be a total scumbag, but she was too blind to see it. More recently, her writing has evolved to explaining how she's mentally unstable and makes terrible, destructive decisions about other things in her life outside of romantic relationships.

"Who better than Taylor Swift to decide if a person will work out or not?" said Swift fanatic David Muir. "If you stacked all of her ex-boyfriends on top of each other, you could reach Neptune, okay? That's what we call 'experience'. She's got so much experience making wrong decisions, who better to decide what's right?"

At publishing time, Swift had reportedly begun penning a breakup song after learning that Kamala is really more of a Britney fan.

- Babylon Bee reporting.

Future history books will use this image for the "Woke Era" chapter. It has it all. - Babylon Bee reporting

CHICAGO, IL — Following her inspiring speech last night about the evils perpetrated by wealthy people, Michelle Obama exited the Democratic National Convention stage on a palanquin with "Eat the Rich" emblazoned on it.

The beloved former first lady had just finished raking the wealthy over the coals to the delight of the crowd of supporters and delegates before climbing into the custom-made litter to be carried out on the shoulders of peasants.

"Come, slaves! Carry me out and do not make eye contact!" Michelle shouted as a group of servants scrambled onto the stage with the palanquin. "A feast of Wagyu beef and caviar awaits Barack and I, and we will not be one moment late. Chop chop!"

The Obamas drew rave reviews for their convention speeches, recounting the plight they have suffered at the hands of the rich elites of the world. "They were mesmerizing," said one DNC attendee. "Dressed in their designer clothing, fresh off their private jet flight from their expansive Martha's Vineyard estate, you could really hear the passion in their voices as they talked about the hardships endured by normal, poorer people. It was magic. Then, she floated away in her ‘Eat the Rich' palanquin borne on the backs of their indentured servants."

Michelle was later seen scolding the catering staff at the DNC for not having any bottles of Duckhorn 2018 Vintage Cabernet Sauvignon before ordering her hair stylist and personal assistant to duel with knives for her amusement.

At publishing time, the Obamas were in talks to extend their $100 million Netflix production deal to include the release of a documentary on the evils of being wealthy.

- Babylon Bee reporting.