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The Gridiron Club is Washington’s oldest – founded in 1885 – and most prestigious journalistic organization.  Its annual Gridiron Dinner has been attended by every President since 1885 with the exception of Grover Cleveland.  This is the full text of President Trump’s remarks last Saturday night (3/03).  It was written most by POTUS himself and is excruciatingly funny. Note three dots in the transcript – … – indicates audience laughter. TTP has put the best jokes in italics.]

Melania laughing at one of her husband’s many jokes

Melania laughing at one of her husband’s many jokes

Well, thank you very much. It’s an honor to be here and, I must tell you, that Melania and I are really thrilled. We really looked forward to this. … I didn’t know what to expect, but it’s really quality people … quality people. So, thank you very much.

It’s been really another calm week at the White House. We finally have it running like a fine-tuned machine. It’s fine-tuned, a beautiful piece of work. … But before I get started, I wanted to apologize for arriving a little bit late.

You know, we were late tonight because Jared could not get through security. … Ivanka, you’ve got to do something … but I will tell you, Jared’s a good guy. He has suffered. He is a great guy, he really is.

 I know the Gridiron is really an old tradition in Washington, been around a long time, and one that’s important to many of you in the media. So, I was very excited to receive this invitation and come here and ruin your evening in person. …

My staff was concerned heading into this dinner that I couldn’t do self-deprecating humor. They were worried about it. They said, Can you do this? And I told them not to worry. Nobody does self-deprecating humor better than I do. …

In fact, Orrin Hatch, Orrin said that Donald Trump is the best at self-deprecating in the history of America, better than Washington and better than Lincoln. … Thank you, Orrin.

They told me my remarks tonight should be something like a Late Night routine. … Late Night are the worst, by the way. Were finally going to get one that’ s going to come to our side. They will get very big ratings if they do that. … With all the television talent here, I think you’d have figured that out.

But I have to tell you, in preparation, I did what any good late night comic would do these days. I called Chuck Schumer and I asked him for some talking points. …

I also spoke to some of the funniest people around the White House starting with my number two, Mike Pence. … Love you Mike. Some of you may think that Mike is not a comedian, but he is one of the best straight men you’re ever going to meet. … He is straight! …

I saw him the other day. We’re in line shaking hands with men and women. A woman came over to shake his hand and he said, “I’m sorry. I can’t do that. My wife is not here.” … I never saw anything like it. He’s years ahead of his time. … Mike is doing a fantastic job as our vice president. He really is. He’s doing a fantastic job. Could not have asked for better. I really am very proud to call him The Apprentice. …

But lately what bothers me, I have to tell you, Mike’s showing a particularly keen interest in the news these days. He starts out each morning asking everybody, “Has he been impeached yet?” …. Mike, you can’t be impeached when there’s no crime!

I thought that was going to get a much better laugh. I said to Melania, “Do you think I should use that one? I don’t know.” And then she said, “Use it. It’s good.” …  You never know about humor, do you?

Steve Mnuchin — we saw him and his beautiful wife Louise on stage.  When she asked whether or not she could sign the money also, I said, “Steve, you’ve got a lot to handle. You can’t do that Steve!”

America has a proud history of Treasury Secretaries who sponsor the arts. Alexander Hamilton gave us so much. Andrew Mellon famously gave us the National Gallery, tremendous gift. Steve has given us the blockbuster movie Lego Batman. … See, now that one I didn’t think was funny at all. …

Attorney General Sessions is here with us tonight. I offered him a ride over and he recused himself. …

But that’s OK. We also have some of the leading lights of the media here including some folks from the failing New York Times. That sucker is failing! … I know we have our differences, but I also know that you have a very special place in my heart. … The other day they had five stories on the front page of the New York Times and every one of them was totally different and each one of them was bad.

After all, you the New York Times are an icon. I’m a New York icon, you’re a New York icon, and the only difference is, I still own my buildings. …

I especially have a place in my heart for Arthur Sulzberger.  Our stories are almost mirror images. I inherited a million dollars from my father — had a great father, gave me a million dollars and I turned it into billions. True story. Arthur inherited billions of dollars and he turned his into millions. Hello Arthur! (Waves to him.)

And it’s been a very tough year. Jeff Zucker’s here.  CNN, it lost a tremendous amount of credibility this year, but they also lost one of their true stars, the guy who got you the most scoops, inside info, your really very best reporter. There was nobody like him: Steve Bannon. That guy leaked more than the Titanic

As I’m sure you’ve seen, were now riding very high in the polls, which is hard to believe considering I never get good press. But I just hit 50 in the Rasmussen poll.

A lot of people said I wouldn’t be able to do so with losing my so-called chief strategist.  I just lost my strategist. It’s pretty bad, but somehow, were still doing great even without Omarosa. … By the way, I always knew, someday, you’re going to fire her. Is that the worst? By the way, Omarosa, you’re the worst! …

So many people have been leaving the White House. It’s actually been really exciting and invigorating. I like turnover. I like chaos. It really is good.

Now the question everyone keeps asking is, Who’s going to be the next to leave? Steve Miller or Melania? … That is terrible honey, but you love me, right? … I won’t tell you what she said. … She said, “Behave!”. … Is that terrible?

By the way, she has been an incredible First Lady.  Ohio, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, and all of them with so many women in the audience. Women with signs, “We love our First Lady!”

True, all of them, hundreds and hundreds of them during speeches, We love high heels. We love everything. … These signs, they have pictures of shoes. … Remember when she was badly treated about wearing high heels when actually she had the sneakers in her bag? But they love our First Lady.

I can tell you, despite what you’ve reported, we’ve had a lot of success this year. We really have tremendous success. Our tax plan has been a tremendous victory. That is really turning out to be popular. Melania is even getting some major benefits from it. She can finally claim me as an adult dependent. …

And the White House is actually a warm, loving, and wonderful place. I’ve heard its cold. It’s not cold. It’s warm. It’s loving, you meet great people, wonderful people like yourselves.

And I just don’t understand why everyone on the internet and in the media keeps screaming, Free Melania! Free Melania! … Like a number one hashtag. Free Melania! She’s actually having a great time.

Yes, are you? (Melania gives him a big smile.) Oh, good, she’s having a great time. You’re doing a good job. You know, you can’t do a great job unless you enjoy it. It’s true. You people know that as great reporters. You love what you do, and if you didn’t love what you do, you wouldn’t do it well. …

Before we go any further, I want to just discuss the big financial story of the week. Ever since we announced our new tariffs, which actually is very popular with people because they’re tired of getting ripped off.

Many dying American industries have come to the White House asking for protection. They want help. They need protection. Unfortunately, I’m sorry, I fear it may be too late for the print media. (No laughter.)

That was pretty good, though wasn’t it? That’s another bomb that I thought was going to be great.

It might be hard for you to believe, but I do enjoy gatherings like these. They give me a chance to socialize with members of the opposition party. … Also great to see some Democrats here. … The opposition party, I’ve seen a few of them applauding tonight including Sen. Joe Manchin, who’s here.

And don’t worry, Joe. He’s a good man. There aren’t any cameras this time Joe. And I won’t tell Chuck and Nancy what you’re doing. Because boy was he applauding me the other night. Right? At the State of the Union he was up there applauding. I don’t know who the hell he was catering to.

I thought my State of the Union address was actually extraordinary. One of the best ever given. in fact Luis Gutierrez was so overcome with emotion at how good this particular speech was that he had to leave the chamber. He left and wept. …

I probably could have found a way to get the Democrats to stand and clap. … They didn’t. They were like frozen. I said black unemployment is at the lowest point in history. No emotion. They sat other than Manchin. He stood up. Thank you, Joe. He’s still paying the price for that.

I said Hispanic unemployment is at the lowest level in history, record. There was no emotion. But I decided I wasn’t going to change anything. I wasn’t going to get them to stand. I didn’t know how – because I was not going to include a salute to Fidel Castro. They would have stood up. They would have cheered. …

And I know Mayor Mitch Landrieu feels right at home in Washington coming from Louisiana. I love Louisiana. It’s a beautiful swamp. I like that swamp. … That’s a much more legitimate swamp.

But Mitch you did a good job tonight and honestly I love the way you finished. I really did. I thought it was very appropriate. Thank you.

And I never knew Tom Cotton was such a great comedian. We were laughing, the whole place. That was good, Tom. A rising star. How old are you now Tom? He’s 40. Wow, I better watch my back.

You know, he’s a friend of mine, but in politics, you just don’t have these guys. You were great tonight. I appreciate it. Thank you, Tom Cotton. And he is a rising star in our nation, not just our party, in our nation. He’s got a great future, smart and a great guy.

I was hoping we’d also see Adam Schiff, wonderful guy. Leaking Adam! He’ll be in the middle of a meeting — in some committee, congressional committee, Mike what is it? Intelligence? Judiciary? What the hell committee?

That’s the only thing, he doesn’t know what committee he’s on because he’s on the phone so much. He doesn’t have any time.” Hey, let’s call these guys. Is that legal?  Just every half hour I got to go break the news.” Adam Schiff – he was going to come tonight and then he heard that this was not a televised event so he stayed home. He stayed home.

But Adam is constantly on television pushing the idea that somehow I would undermine democracy. Undermine? I love democracy. But he thinks I’m going to undermine democracy.

So, I have to tell him I have great respect for the various branches of government, the Executive, the Legislative, the Judicial, and very important and last, Fox News. I have a lot of respect for Fox News. Thank God for Fox News.

I often think that the Democrats would be better off if they learned a thing or two from us. They could learn from us. For instance, you might have noticed that some of the best lines from my campaign followed a certain pattern. Drain the Swamp! Remember that?

When I saw that first I hated it. Somebody brought that one down for me, I said, This is so hokey. Drain the swamp. This massive crowd, 25,000 people, and I said, Drain the Swamp! And they went crazy. I said, Whoa. Then, I said it in the next speech, Drain the Swamp! And now, I love it. Drain the Swamp!

But we had, “Drain The Swamp!”, we had, “Lock Her Up!”, we had, “Build The Wall! Build the Wall!” Nancy Pelosi has been trying to come up with a line that’s equal. And her line that she announced last week is, Mow The Grass! It doesn’t work. ..,

Mow the frickin grass. … That’s going to stop MS-13. … Mow that frickin grass! … Man, she’s crazy, but she’s a fine woman. She is. I actually like Nancy Pelosi. Can you believe that? Her and Maxine Waters.

How about that one? Maxine Waters, “He must be impeached!” That’s all she knows how to say, “He must be impeached! Impeached!” … But he’s done nothing wrong. “Doesn’t matter. What has he done wrong? I don’t know! You got to be impeached!”

And then I say – I’ll get in trouble for this – Maxine, she has to immediately take an IQ test.

But Maxine and Nancy and these people, there’s a lot of hatred. There’s so much hatred we have to stop, Mike (looking at Pence). We have to stop the hatred.

And it’s true.  Nancy’s worth tens of millions of dollars and she’s a populist. You know, she really considers herself that. And I really try to tell her that you can’t be a true populist unless you’re worth at least ten billion dollars … people like you better.

I don’t know how the hell they like me, but boy I love those people. I love them. I really do. I understand that, in recognition of our massive tax cuts, Nancy suggested that our dessert tonight should be crumb cake. Give me a break. You know, the word “crumb” is not working out well for Nancy.

On the way in tonight, someone asked me what I think about the Dreamers. I love the Dreamers. I do love the Dreamers, I’ll be honest. I really believe the Republicans want to solve this DACA problem more than the Democrats and certainly faster. So, were all working together and I hope that something’s going to happen. I really do.

We’re talking about the Dreamers and, quite honestly, Democrats can fantasize all they want about winning in 2020. Those are the real dreamers. …

There’s talk about Joe Biden, Sleepy Joe, getting into the race. You know what he said, “I want to take him behind the barn.” Just trust me, I would kick his ass. … Boy, would he be easy. Oh, would he be easy. … But Joe, give me a break. The guy who keeps making outrageous statements thinks he has a shot at being president?? Guy makes outrageous statements, he’s going to be president? He doesn’t have a shot. …

And Oprah. Oh, here’s my next one. Oprah, I don’t think she’s ever been hit verbally yet. Right? She’s led a charmed life. She’s done a great job.  She used to love me . I was on one of her last shows, The Trump Family. We’re going to have to replay that for her. She says she’ll run only if she gets the go ahead from the Almighty. All right Oprah, go ahead and run. …

And then we have Elizabeth Warren.  I watched her making a speech for Hillary. I said, I think she’s losing all of the male vote for Hillary Clinton.

It was brutal. It was mean and angry. Elizabeth Warren, she had a rough day last week trying to prove her heritage. But she had a good suggestion though about easing world tensions. The world is quite tense. Some of this stuff should have happened over the last twenty years, but it didn’t.

She said that Rex Tillerson and I should sit down with the leaders of Iran and North Korea and smoke a peace pipe. That from Pocahontas.

I won’t rule out direct talks with Kim Jong Un. I just won’t. As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that’s his problem, not mine. … He must be a fine man. Do you think he’s a fine man? Although, we did save the Olympics.

President Moon gave us a lot of credit, he said, ”Without President Trump and his strong attitude they would have never called up and said, ‘Hey, we’d love to be in the Olympics together’.”

And that’s true. Whether people want to hear it or not, they had a very successful Olympics. That was heading for disaster. They weren’t selling tickets. It was heading for disaster and now we’re talking. And they (North Koreans), by the way, called up a couple of days ago and said, “We would like to talk.” And I said, “So would we, but you have to de-nuke, you have to de-nuke.”

So, let’s see what happens. Let’s see what happens. You know when the media said and when I said, “My button is bigger than yours and mine works.” Everyone gave me a hard time, what a terrible thing. They didn’t say what Kim said. He said, “I have a button on my desk and I am prepared to use it.” Nobody ever said that.

So, my statement was in response, but maybe positive things are happening. I hope that’s true and I say that in all seriousness. I hope that’s true. But we will be meeting and we’ll see if anything positive happens. It’s been a long time. It’s a problem that should have been fixed a long time ago very far down the road.

I know there’s been a lot of talk about Twitter and social media this year. But it really can be an important form of modern day communication. If I didn’t have Twitter, how would Gen. Kelly and Gen. McMaster know what it is that they’re supposed to say that day. They wouldn’t know. They’d have no idea.

There’s been a lot of criticism of John Kelly in the press, which I think is very very unfair. He’s doing an amazing job. He even told me he would let Ivanka visit the Oval Office when she gets home from representing us in the Olympics and she did so.

Ivanka, did you enjoy your visit? I hope so. That was very nice and by the way, Ivanka did an incredible job representing our country at the Olympics. She did.

Many people have asked me how my time as a reality TV star prepared me for the presidency, the truth is there’s very little overlap between the two. Very little. In one job, I had to manage a cutthroat cast of characters desperate for TV time, totally unprepared for their  jobs, and each week afraid of having their asses fired. In the other job, I was the host of a smash television hit. Television is so easy compared to this. …

I know we all came here tonight to have fun and tell jokes, but I also think we need to discuss the issues. Issues are very important. For example, we’ve got a new plan to tackle Global Warming, one of my favorite subjects. We’re going to reduce the carbon footprint when we travel by shrinking the press pool so that we only have room for Sean Hannity, Lou Dobbs, and Judge Judy. …

I better wrap it up. I have to be up early tomorrow morning, six o’clock, to be listening to Fox and Friends. …

But I do want to say this is one of the best times I can ever remember having with the media. This might be the most fun I’ve had since watching your faces on election night. … I apologize.

Years, years, years taken off your life. Oh, John King, with that beautiful red map. His hand was shaking toward the end. … I love the way he uses that map. He’s good at it. …

Remember they wouldn’t call Pennsylvania? There was one percent of the vote to go in Pennsylvania. It was like 11 o’clock. One percent of the vote to go, they wouldn’t call it. If I lost all of the votes left, I won by a lot. They wouldn’t call it. So instead, they called Wisconsin.

And then, John King, remember, The Winner of the great state of Michigan. He’ s going Michigan. He’s like, Hey Trump won Michigan, this can’t be happening. And that hand was up. …

Look, whether you like me or not, you have to say that was good. That was exciting. Lot of tears were in this room. You’re not supposed to cry. Mike, are they supposed to be crying if somebody wins?… They’re supposed to be a little impartial. Let’s be a little bit more impartial. …

But you know, I’ll tell you what, I do have a lot of respect for a lot of the people in this room. Even people that have been very strong opponents, I’ve developed a lot of respect. Fairness is important to me, but you know, you’ve got your point of view. And a lot of you cover things very squarely and there are few professions that I respect more.

And I’d like to thank the Gridiron Club and Foundation that does an incredible job for this wonderful evening. I want to thank all of the amazing speakers and, really, performers. Some very good performers, they really are.

I want to thank the press for all you do to support and sustain our democracy. I mean that. I mean that. Some incredible people in the press, brilliant, powerful, smart, and fair people in the press. And I want to thank you.

My greatest wish is that we can all work together to make America safe, and just, and free for all Americans. We have a great country and we all, together, will make it even better. Thank you all very much. This is a great honor thank you.



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